Rant - Top Chef

For a couple of days now I have had this one lingering item on my to-do list. Somewhere buried underneath the more obvious and immediate things like "take out recycling" to the get-to-it-when-I-get-to-it "have mole removed" and finally the things that are less of a to-do and more of an outcome like "grow out nails" which will really only happen if my to-do list also includes "stop biting them", I keep meaning to write about the dessert situation on Top Chef.

This is the fifth season of the show so I have to assume that all the current contestants have watched it prior to being ON it. I would then also assume that if they intended to win they must have at least considered the sort of kiss of death moves that losing chefs made in seasons past, right? RIGHT? THEN STOP MAKING PARFAITS AND CRISPS AND FAILED PASTRIES THAT YOU CALL "RUSTIC."

I realize that these people are sous chefs and caterers and owners of restaurants and probably have always focused on the techniques and flavors and presentation of mains and proteins and sauces. But the fact is that EVERY single season a handful of contestants are faced with having to whip out a last course or a wedding cake or something and EVERY time the home viewer has to listen to the confessional interview that's all, "I'm not really that INto dessert," or, "I have never been a sweets person but I do have to make a final course. So we're going to do something REALLY fresh and make a savory sorbet!!" They always use yuzu or ylang-ylang or lavender or some ingredient that would be far more at home nestled in the exfoliating micro beads of a Dove body wash, and claim that they "just wanted to do something light to finish off the meal instead of something too sweet or creamy that would weigh you down."

Bullshit. Bring on the sweet. Bring on the creamy. Learn to bake just ONE thing. That's all they really have to do. Just have that one thing in your back pocket that you know will always impress and always turn out. It just seems like good strategy to me. If you have never made rose infused creme brulee, then don't try and demo it in a two minute segment on live TV. Stop trying to make s'mores fancy, they don't need it.

Have a no fail cake. Present elegantly and with no-nonsense. I have worked in restaurants long enough to know that what people truly want at the end of a meal is a slice of pie, a piece of cake, or some good but plain ice cream. If you have to sit and describe to them the "deconstructed tart Tatin trio with a shooter of creme anglaise" they lose interest. Even the foodie ones.

I also know that the art of pastry or a profession in dessert is very much focused on perfection. Precise presentation, interplay of varying textures, ease of service. You can't really make many desserts to order, so they require a lot of planning and skill. Baking is not about tasting and testing as you go along until it is right. If you mess it up, you won't know until it's done. It's chemistry really, and I hated chemistry so I feel for the people on the show but I don't have 100,000 dollars at stake. LEARN TO MAKE A DESSERT.

I also hate it when there is just one sushi guy, you know? And he makes like cooked sushi, and dessert sushi, and puts nori in everything. We geeeeetttt ittttt.