Sarah Haskins is Hilarioso

Historical Burrrrnnn

I am so looking for a chance to use this. It came out of my mouth today while I was listening in on two co-workers talk about their unsatisfactory interactions at car dealerships.

Co-worker S. to co-worker I.: "...so I drove that stupid Volkswagen back to the lot and told the guy I wanted bumper-to-bumper and free car washes for six months or I was walking! And you want to know what he told me? He said that wasn't the original deal! Can you believe that? Of course it wasn't the original deal or I wouldn't be in that mess of a car!"
Me(giggling): "You should have told him 'Listen up, I'm F.D.R. and this is the NEW DEAL.'"

I SO hope I can tell somebody off using that line in the very near future.

Pat. On. Back.

Out of the Bag

I have really fallen behind in my posting this month. I am pretty sure the only people that actually CARE about my negligence are my real-life friends. The people that I talk to daily and see between one and three times a week. Sometimes more depending on what is on TV. Regardless, I am going to try and step up my game for the remainder of August which should be made infinitely easier now that my beloved new compy has finally arrived.

Oh, don't worry. I didn't actually get it in purple.

This past weekend, I trekked down IO-WAY to visit my old college roommate. She had a whole slew of crap for me including my Christmas present from last year which was a cast iron fondue set and was, indeed, much too heavy to ship. But the best thing, the thing that I didn't even know I missed or needed, was an old purse that she had been holding ransom for well over three years. She refused to send it to me until I came down to visit her so above and beyond spending some quality time with her, this was my reward.

Here is a list of all the crap that had been lying dormant that I found inside the bag:
- 64 cents and approximately a dollar's worth of South African rand. Well according to 2005 exchange rates anyway...
- A Subway Club card (a program now defunct) just one stamp short of a free sandwich
- The St. Paul Public Library card that once belonged to my eleven-year-old charge when I was a nanny. I used hers to check out a bunch of stuff for myself that summer so I wouldn't have to pay the late fees off of mine.
- A receipt for a purchase I made (by way of personal check of all things) for an item listed as "ICE TECHNO TRIP'D OUT PIN". I have absolutely no idea what this was/is or why I spent $8.80 on it. Were we attending a rave? The date on this receipt is 2/28/05.
- My old boyfriend's business card which he had made up for his summer-long landscaping venture. I remember thinking how cool and professional and responsible he was for having business cards and NOT realizing how easy it is to just print some up. It's not like you have to register as David Winters, Esquire in order to go to Kinko's. Oh well, it was probably to his benefit how much that impressed me.
- An old fishing license.
- A ticket stub from The Streets concert at The Fine Line from 06/04/04. I did not attend this concert.
- Jeff Cincoski's senior picture wherein he is riding in a tiny Radio Flyer wagon. On the back it reads "I'm sorry for trying to spread all those horrible lies about you."
- A business card from a man named G. James Olsen. As a job title he has written with bullets under his name "Author. Pneumatologist. Provocateur."
He also should have listed "Drunk" as my friend Laura and I found him wasted in the middle of the day at the University Club. He was wearing a polo shirt with a gold tiger embroidered on the pocket and sizzled at us through his teeth to get our attention. We had a cocktail with him and his son (who, incidentally, was in a terrible band that played at my college)and after his son left, he told us in a hushed tone that he was a witch.
- My Couch Potato License, cleverly issued to Emma Roids.
- A receipt from a grocery store in Decorah where I inexplicably spent $2.76 and got a dozen eggs, a quart of milk, 2 lbs. of carrots, and a bunch of parsley. That seems wrong, right?

I also had two old IDs in there. One with a fabulous picture that barely looks like me and one wherein I am 17, wearing a turtleneck, and have clearly not yet discovered tweezers. It's a time I still cherish, no matter how unfortunate.

Kids Love Their Savoy Cabbage

This is just my favorite thing ever.

Sandy is Back Up to Her Old Tricks

This weekend I took a break from my regularly scheduled Olympics-watching to visit the Semi-Homemade kitchen and boy am I glad I did. It appeared that Ol' Sandy was inspired by the Olympic events that are considered to be, how shall I say, lesser. The ones that aren't often in the foreground. Whose athletes are not pictured on the cover of Men's Health. Mostly, because they look like this:


That's right. I'm talking about table tennis. You know, ping pong. Sandy was showing us new, easy, and creative things to spice up your boring old typical ping pong party. Oh, have I not yet mentioned that the episode was called Ping Pong Party? Well it was. I don't know who has Ping Pong Parties these days. It sounds to me like something Betsy, Tacy, and Tib would do after reading Ivanhoe, wrapping sandwiches in plain brown paper, and twisting their hair up into rag curlers. All I know is that no one finishes up an intense game of competitive ping pong and reaches for one of these:


A Butterbeer. MMM...feel the chunks start to rise in your throat. This reminds me of that SNL fake commercial advertising cookie dough that is sold in Gatorade-like containers. They show marathon runners taking a swig of thick, cold cookie dough after the race which makes me feel like I need to swallow down all my excess gag saliva just thinking about it. ANYway this is what Butterbeer contains if you want to make it:
1/4 cup sweetened condensed milk
1/4 cup butterscotch topping
2 tablespoons whipped butter, room temperature
1 1/2 cups vanilla cream soda

My favorite part is the whipped butter.

But it gets so much better. Whilst looking up the recipe for the Butterbeer, I came across another semi-homemade delight:


I'll give you a second to say "what the fuck?" before you realize that this is a baked potato made out of ice cream. In the case of one special reader, this baked potato ice cream is a very exciting hybrid. Since it represents the marriage of two of her favorite things, I already know she won't think this is...really, really stupid. Which it is.

If you want to see more (and better) examples of this type of thing, with funnier writing go to cakewrecks.blogspot.com because I am tired.

I Should Have Known by the Quotation Marks

Well following a recipe for Jeanne's "BEST" lemon bars, so far has not turned out favorably. The filling is sticky, too sweet, not lemony enough (overpowered by the shortbread crust), and didn't get like a little fluffy. They are not the "BEST". They are not even just regular best. Please send me the actual best recipes for lemon bars.