Gayblescapes

A few nights back, confronted with a particularly lame late night cable lineup, I watched a segment of the E! True Hollywood Story of Rachael Ray. At first I thought, "really scraping the bottom of the barrel for new programming E!" which is true. I can't really think of a less, like, salacious person to do an hour-long special on. But the particular part of this episode of THS that I happened to catch focused mostly on the woman who started this community: http://community.livejournal.com/rachael_ray_sux.

I know. It's fair, it's warranted, and as Rachael herself is quoted in response to the website, "you can't please everyone". But I feel like this woman is about three years too late for this. Rachael Ray hatred is passe. It's like complaining about telemarketers or getting all up in arms about novelty rap or Lynne Spears' tell all book. I admit that a few years back, my sister and I would cringe at the mention of EVOO and sammies and whatever but today we will both tell you that when we cook a big meal that involves the peeling of many things, we use garbage bowls. Rachael Ray is like a barnacle. A barnacle that is so far on the underside of the ship that you can sail along effortlessly day-to-day and not even notice her. Plus I think her new hair cut is cute.

Anyway, this all got me thinking about two things:
1. Which Food Network star truly deserves an hour long special on E!? and
2. If forced to create a whole online community around a TV personality (besides Tyra, obviously)that I pretty much despise, who would I pick?

The answer to both of these questions is Sandra Lee.

Or rather, at least for question 2., my answer might be Sandra Lee's tablescapes. This is because no matter how stupid I think their concepts are, I have to respect the empires that these people have managed to build. Even if I think Tick-Tock Clocktails (an actual drink from an episode of Semi-Homemade) are the most retarded things on the planet and are essentially Cosmopolitans served with a watch, I would trade my own job for hers any day.

But the tablescapes, sweet baby Jesus, the tablescapes. Observe:

As if you couldn't already guess, this is Sandra's Nutcracker Christmas tablescape and it doesn't leave any room for food. There is always an INSANE amount of crap involved in these elaborate themes and it makes me wonder what her attic or separate storage facility looks like. Her tip for tree decorating? Terrific Tip: Make the tree twinkle with glasses hung like bells. They don’t need to match – wire a variety of cocktail glasses, wine goblets and champagne flutes to the branches, plug in the lights and see it glisten. Guess what? It looks like total shit!

It's also begging for a child to walk by and totally cut themselves on. Happy bloody holidays! See? Even the Nutcracker Prince in the background is looking on with a watchful eye thinking "what did that crazy bitch try and make with all her extra glassware now?"

Here is her suggestion for the kind of people who might host a Casino Night:

What dude is going to want to swill beer and bet his last student loan payment under a chandelier made of cards and poker chips? The only things that fit in here are the shot glasses.

I also love how her sets are totally matchy matchy with her outfits. I think I'll just leave you with this final image of complete obsessive compulsive behavior.